LOW EXPECTATIONS

What's the key to happiness?
How can I avoid desperation?
Don't light a candle or curse the dark,
Just keep those low expectations.

A sound mind and a healthy body
Or just the proper medications?
Well, those may work, but not as well as
Those low expectations.

The wise men, those ancient sages,
All have their recommendations.
Alas, poor Yorick, he knew all about
Those low expectations.

A dog, a car, a white-picket fence,
A relationship without complications.
Don't you aim so high,
When all you need is low expectations.

Hear the song

ON A RIVAL POET'S FAME

His poems won't stay in print
Long enough to pay his rent.

APHASIA

I used to be a logophile.
Each word was a small god.
But since my wordful faith has fallen,
That love to me seems odd.

My dictionary offered words
For worlds I'd never known.
But now it's just a dusty book,
One of many I own.

And I perused my dear thesaurus
And gleaned fresh terms galore.
Those synonyms and antonyms
Aggrandized my word-horde.

There was time when words meant something,
But now they seem absurd.
I'd like to tell you how I feel,
But I can't find the words.

SUMMA CUM LAUDE

My accredited snobbery
Hasn't aided my jobbery.

WANTED: ANONYMOUS

Who is this famous Anonymous
Who's written more than any of us?
Though sometimes listed as Anon,
There's nothing he hasn't written on.
Anon is found throughout the ages
In rough broadsides and glossy pages;
Scribbled in grungy bathroom stalls
And chiseled on smooth marble walls.
He's found in all the anthologies.
Who wouldn't want his royalties?

There is a deeply held belief
That he in nothing but a thief.
He sits around and bides his time,
Makes plans to steal another's rhyme,
Puts pilfered lines in his verse chest,
Waits till the poet's put to rest ...
Now that you know, are you distressed?

The time has come to stop this crook
Who's never authored one whole book.
But where to look? Can he be found?
Is he an agent of the underground?
Are his prints on file with the FBI?
Is he some sort of double spy?
Have they been tipped to his M.O.?
And if he's caught, how do we know?
Do you think he'll make a confession?
Say something like, "I've learned my lesson."
Or just deny it? Say he's been framed?
Can he be charged if he's unnamed?

Anonymous, this may be true,
But now we've got our eyes on you.
Now poets everywhere will look
Closely at lines in every book
And think, "Where'd he steal this one from?"
Anonymous, you thieving scum,
You rhyming cheat, you scheming schmuck,
You've just about run out of luck.

SHOTS

ORIGINAL BINGE
It wasn't drinkin', but eatin',
That got us kicked out of Eden.

*

IN VINO VERITAS
If there is truth in wine,
Then which should I embrace?
Red or white? When I dine,
I'll drink both -- just in case.

*

SOBRIETY TEST
Have I been drinking? Just a little dram.
Hardly enough to weigh an epigram.

NEWTONIAN NUGGET

A body in motion tends to stay in motion;
A body at rest tends to rest in peace.

Hear it here

ONE LOVE
after Philodemos

My first love was with Chrissie,
I'd met in Indiana;
And then there was a Chrissie
Raised down in Louisiana.

A buxom Chrissie in Kansas,
Two best friends in Michigan,
A husker from Nebraska,
A widow in Maryland.

A cowgirl Chrissie in Texas,
An ex-nun in Oregon,
And a dreadlocked Rastafari
In rainy Washington.

Wherever I have traveled,
In Utah or Kentucky,
Wherever there's a Chrissie,
I know that I'll get lucky.

It must have been the Fates
Who decided on my name;
Or maybe it's some random,
Erotic spelling game.

It's true in every Chrissie,
You'll find a hidden Chris.
And I've checked every Chrissie
To make damn sure of this.

Hear it here

BLACKLIST

Never trust the five-star chef
Who’s too fat or too lean;
Be cautious of the mechanic
Whose fingers are too clean;
Never retain the lawyer
Who’s never won a case;
And avoid the family doctor
Who sneezes in your face;

Please fire that exterminator
Whose own house is infested;
Don’t believe that one-night stand
Who says that she’s been tested;
Steer clear of that body guard
Who doesn’t watch your back;
And don’t call the portly plumber
Who’s afraid to show his crack;

Never sail with the captain
Leaning over starboard side;
Don’t expect a groom in Utah
To marry a single bride;
Don’t book through the travel agent
Who says she’ll never fly;
And doubt the Texas judge
Who claims you’ll never fry;

Don’t focus on the photographer
Whose gaze doesn’t linger;
Cut and run from that butcher
Who’s suddenly lost his finger;
Never trust a politician,
Never trust a politician,
Never under any condition
Should you trust a politician.

ONE MORE

Another birthday again?
Hope all's well.
May this year be like heaven
And not hell.

CREDO

I don't believe there are any athiests;
I can't be so sure about agnostics.

TO CHARLIE CLEARVIEW,
THANKS FOR THE MEMENTO MORI

The morticians didn't have much to do
To Charlie Clearview.
He'd jogged each day, lifted weights, ate right,
Slept well each night.
The open casket showed a handsome man,
Muscular and tan;
His always stylish-hair was just in place;
Soft smile on his face.
He'd lived his biblically allotted years,
Yet still there were tears.
Perfectly preserved, we lowered him down
Into holy ground.

Graveside I stood, hungover from the wake;
Those shots were a mistake.
It seems I'd be the better candidate--
I'm overweight,
Got bad gums, glum moods, high triglycerides;
Yet he, not me, died.
The morticians will have a lot to do
To me, it's true.
No doubt the damage I have done will show
That it was past time to go.
This body's already somewhat decomposed ...
Just keep my casket closed.

NOTHING BUT DELIGHT
a villanelle nouvelle

As pegs are turned to make strings true,
They'll turn a tune inside the mind.
That sound is nothing but delight.

A soundscape shapes the tonal view;
Too few will hear, and fewer find,
The pegs to turn to make strings true.

When notes are pure and chords are right,
Take note of harmonies entwined.
The sound is nothing but delight.

Sound can be black, sound can be blue.
Those sound-hues blend as they're combined
When pegs are turned to make strings true.

What lingers like a winter night
When summer songs are left behind?
That sound is nothing but delight.

With sound there must be silence, too.
What sounds when silences unwind?
As silence fades, becoming slight,
And pegs are turned to make strings true,
The sound is nothing but delight.